On the Tuesday after she was born (she was about 5 days old) we went for her newborn checkup at the pediatrician. Everything looked great with her but she had lost about a pound which is more than the 10% weight loss that is normal. My Dr. wasn't concerned because my milk had not come in yet. She had me feed before we left and Sarah gained an ounce and she was very pleased with that so she told us to come back for her 2 week appointment unless we had other concerns in the mean time.
We went back home but things kept getting worse. I would just pray and pray and speak and declare that Sarah was a good latcher and a good nurser! It seems kind of funny now but I was so scared and desperate. I even prayed that if she wasn't getting enough to eat that God would still help her grow and stay healthy while we figured this out. I was concerned that she was dehydrated and she was just not happy at all. So we took her back for a weight check on Thursday. She had lost half an ounce. I was so sad. We didn't get to see our Dr. because she was not there. The nurse consulted with another Dr. and I heard him say put her on a formula supplement. A part of me was so crushed but another part was so relieved because I just wanted to feed my baby. We then went to the hospital and met with the lactation consultant. She was very helpful and confirmed what the dr said about supplementing for a while. She told me to feed Sarah on each breast for 15 minutes and then pump for 10 minutes. Then give Sarah what I pumped with enough formula to make it an ounce. I was so glad we had a plan and I just kept reminding myself that I had a healthy baby and everything would be ok. But it literally broke my heart to think of her being so hungry. Even now writing this it brings me to tears. She was depending on me and I felt like I let her down.
After we left the hospital we went to Walmart to get some bottles and some vitamins and other things to help my milk come in and boost my supply. (At this point it had come in but I had very little). While I waited in the car with Sarah I looked through my text messages and saw a text from my sister in law Miranda from a few days earlier. She had sent me a link to a youtube video and asked me to play the song for Sarah. I had not looked at the video yet so I pulled it up. And it was such a God moment. The song was called "Do Not Worry". And the first line referred to the sparrows not being worried about having enough to eat because God takes care of them. That pierced my spirit and I started to cry thankful tears. I knew God was telling me not to worry because Sarah would be fine.
I talked to Miranda and thanked her for sending me that link. I then told her what was going on and she encouraged me because Addison went through the same thing when she was born and they had to supplement and now she is a healthy 4 year old.
If it had not been for Micheal and my Mom's support over those first few weeks I seriously do not know what would have happened. I probably would have given up breastfeeding all together. But thanks to their support and laction consultants and messages from my mom friends all telling me they understood and that breastfeeding is in fact hard I am proud to say we are still breastfeeding at almost 3 months. I am still supplementing as well but I am not ashamed of that anymore. It may not be ideal but it is what works for us. When we went for Sarah's 2 month well check (at about 10 weeks) the Dr was very pleased with her weight and even asked if we thought she was overeating since we told her she spits up a lot. I told myself after that good report that I would no longer worry about Sarah's feedings. I would just feed her when she lets me know she is hungry and trust that she is growing and healthy. That was such a weight off my shoulders.
I don't know who might end up reading this post but just know that breastfeeding is wonderful and amazing and frustrating and hard all at the same time. I had prayed about my breastfeeding relationship with my babies for years before I had them (thanks Meg!) and never expected my journey to be so difficult. It still saddens me from time to time that I couldn't exclusively breastfeed Sarah and if I dwell on it I still feel inadequate in some ways...like my body didn't do what it was supposed to. But I am so grateful that I live in a place and time where we have formula for babies and my girl does not go hungry. And we still have lots of breastfeeding bonding and snuggles every day. Supplementing helps this momma feel less stressed because I know she is getting plenty and a stress free momma makes for a happy baby girl! :-)
One we got over that hurdle in the beginning everything has clicked into place. I am staying home with Sarah (my lifelong dream) and we get to spend everyday watching her grown into this little person. She has been smiling since about a month old and has been cooing for about a month as well. It is just the most precious sound I have ever heard. She settled into a routine of waking up at 4am for a feeding at about 5 weeks and then would go back to sleep until around 7 or 8. And then at 2 months she started sleeping through the night. :-) She is a gassy little girl so we have to deal with that which sometimes makes her pretty fussy (poor thing). But with gas drops and gripe water she seems to be much more comfortable throughout the day. All in all she is a precious girl and we cannot get over how adorable and amazing she is!
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